How to Divorce a High-Functioning Alcoholic

Living with an alcoholic spouse can lead to emotional turmoil, financial strain, and feelings of isolation. An alcoholic spouse’s behavior may result in trust issues, broken communication, and an unstable home environment, deeply impacting the family’s well-being. As much as you try to support them on their journey to sobriety, there is only so much you can do as their partner. At a certain point, you might be feeling overwhelmed and are contemplating divorce. The question is: when is it time to deem the marriage over and divorce my alcoholic spouse?

Deciding to divorce an alcoholic spouse is never an easy choice, and it often involves a mix of emotions, guilt, and uncertainty. This decision is a deeply personal one, but there can also be very real legal consequences for divorcing your spouse. Here is what you should be thinking about when considering divorcing your alcoholic spouse, what your spouse’s habits might mean for your separation, and how you can protect yourself and your spouse throughout this process.

How Do I Know If My Spouse Truly Is an Alcoholic?

It can be hard to know whether your spouse is truly an alcoholic. Many adults have a couple of drinks from time to time, and this does not make them an alcoholic. Alcoholism can range across a spectrum from mild to severe cases.

Determining if your spouse is truly an alcoholic involves observing their drinking patterns and looking at the impact of alcohol on their life and relationships.

Key signs of alcoholism may include:

Drinking more than intended
Frequent cravings
An inability to cut back despite repeated effort

Notice if their drinking causes problems in daily life. This includes:

Neglecting responsibilities
Issues at work/keeping employment
Strained relationships

Look for physical signs like:

Frequent hangovers
Changes in appearance
Unexplained pain/changes in health

Emotional and behavioral changes may include:

Mood swings
Secrecy and lying
Depression
Risky Behavior

It is not uncommon for substance abuse to be accompanied by mental health issues. It is important to consider if alcohol use is a way to cope with stress or emotional pain. Consulting a mental health professional or addiction specialist can provide a clearer diagnosis and help you understand the extent of the problem.

The Effects of Alcoholism on the Family

Heavy drinking has even been shown to be correlated with a higher risk for divorce (Rognmo et al.). Alcohol and marital dissolution have been known associates for a while. Check out Caces et al. and this study by Ostermann et al., which both examine how differences in alcohol habits between spouses can lead to marital conflict.

When a family member struggles with alcoholism, it can create a ripple effect that impacts everyone in the household. Here are some key ways alcoholism can affect the family:

Relationship Issues: Alcoholism can lead to frequent arguments and conflicts within relationships. The behavior changes augmented by alcohol—such as increased aggression or emotional volatility—can erode trust and intimacy, causing distance between partners.
Financial Strain: Alcoholism often diverts money from essential needs to alcohol, leading to financial difficulties. This can create significant stress and disagreements about money within the family.
Parenting Challenges: Alcohol can impair a parent’s judgment and decision-making abilities, making it difficult to provide effective care and support for children. This can impact the overall stability and functioning of the family unit.
Health Problems: Both the individual with alcoholism and their family members may experience health issues. The person struggling with alcoholism may face liver damage or mental health problems, while family members may suffer from stress and its associated mental health effects.

How to Help Someone Struggling With Alcoholism

If you are concerned about someone you care about who might be struggling with alcoholism, there are ways you can offer support. First, if it’s safe, try talking to them about your concerns. Be respectful and avoid being judgmental. If they’re open to discussing their drinking, offer your support and encourage them to talk openly. Listen to their reasons for drinking and suggest therapy or rehab as potential paths forward. If they’re not ready to talk, let them know you’re there for them whenever they are ready. You can also find support groups or counseling services to help both yourself and the person dealing with alcoholism.

What to Know Before Divorcing a High-Functioning Alcoholic

When someone struggles with alcohol to the point that they cannot function, it can still be hard to walk away. However, it may be most difficult to walk away from a high-functioning alcoholic. A high-functioning alcoholic maintains a seemingly normal life while struggling with alcohol dependence. They often excel at work or daily tasks but rely heavily on alcohol. This can mask the severity of their addiction, making it harder for them and others to recognize the need for help and treatment. This can be incredibly isolating because, on the outside, no one will know what you deal with in the home. It can also give a falsely inflated sense of hope, as your partner can sometimes act like themselves despite their struggles.

High-functioning alcoholics, especially, may not seem problematic to those outside. Still, intimate partners often see the signs before others because of their proximity to their spouse. This can make it difficult for them to accept help from others, including spouses or partners trying to help them quit drinking. If you decide to divorce a high-functioning alcoholic, you may need to be prepared for them to push away your attempts to help and resist getting help from professionals.

You might hope to persuade them to seek professional help, which is a positive step. However, many high-functioning alcoholics deny their drinking issues. They will point to the fact that they can still excel at work or still be a good parent or spouse. They will say that they aren’t driving while drinking or falling over drunk. Yet, they still have a problem with alcohol.

This can make convincing them to get help tough. They might still be reluctant even after a separation, which is okay. You’ve probably already suggested therapy, and they’ve likely declined. High-functioning alcoholics often feel ashamed and guilty about their drinking, believing they don’t deserve help. Mental health professionals can help you navigate these complex emotions during the divorce process.

If you are married to a high-functioning alcoholic, worrying about how your divorce will affect you, your soon-to-be-ex partner, and your network of friends and family is understandable. Splitting up can be complex, particularly when one’s sobriety (or lack thereof) is considered. Especially if life changes have caused relapses or more intensely addictive behaviors for your ex-partner in the past, it is normal and logical to wonder how your separation may affect your soon-to-be-ex.

Things to Consider When Deciding Whether to Divorce Your Alcoholic Spouse

Deciding to end a marriage is never easy, and it’s important to think it through carefully before making any moves. We’ve got a video on how to figure out if it’s time to leave, but even with all the tools and strategies available, taking that step can be really daunting. No matter where you are in your decision-making, these are important things to think about.

Acknowledge the impact on your well-being. Living with an alcoholic can seriously affect your emotional, mental, and physical health. If you’re constantly stressed, anxious, or depressed because of your partner’s drinking, it’s essential to recognize how this is impacting your life. Your well-being matters, and thinking about divorce for the sake of your health is completely valid.
Assess the safety of your environment. Alcoholism can lead to unpredictable and sometimes dangerous behavior. If you or your kids are in an unsafe situation because of your spouse’s actions, your safety should come first. You might need legal advice or local support services to get guidance on protective measures. If there’s immediate danger, reach out to emergency services right away.
Evaluate the impact on children. If you have kids, their well-being is crucial. Growing up with an alcoholic parent can be tough on children, and it’s important to think about the long-term effects on their development. Weigh the benefits of a stable, alcohol-free home against the challenges of staying in a household where addiction is a constant issue.
Explore treatment options. If you haven’t already, consider whether your spouse might benefit from professional help. Treatment programs, counseling, and support groups can be effective. But be realistic about the chances of recovery and the commitment required.
Reflect on your boundaries. Setting and sticking to boundaries is key in any relationship, especially when dealing with addiction. If you’ve set boundaries and your spouse continues destructive behavior, it might be a sign that the marriage isn’t working anymore.
Seek professional guidance: Navigating the decision to divorce an alcoholic can be complex. Talking to therapists, counselors, or support groups that specialize in addiction and relationships can provide valuable insights.

I’m Ready to Get a Divorce: What Can I Expect?

Marriage is a legal arrangement. Similarly, divorce is also a legal proceeding. Divorce is the legal process of ending a marriage, officially dissolving the marital union. It involves settling various aspects such as the division of property, custody of children, and financial responsibilities. The process usually begins with one spouse filing a petition, followed by legal proceedings where both parties present their cases. Depending on the jurisdiction, it can be contested or uncontested, with varying degrees of complexity. Divorce aims to resolve the legal status of the marriage and ensure fair arrangements for both parties and any children involved.

You can check out the free Divorce Basics E-Book to learn more about the Massachusetts divorce process. The type of divorce that you pursue will depend on a number of factors including whether the divorce is uncontested or contested. An uncontested divorce is when both spouses agree on all terms, such as property division and child custody, without needing a court trial. It is typically simpler, faster, and less expensive compared to a contested divorce.

Contested divorces are generally more complex. A contested divorce occurs when spouses cannot agree on key issues such as property division, child custody, or spousal support, leading to a legal dispute that requires court intervention. Unlike an uncontested divorce, where terms are mutually accepted, a contested divorce involves negotiations, hearings, and potentially a trial to resolve disagreements. Each party typically hires legal representation to advocate for their interests, and the process can be lengthy and costly. The court makes final decisions on contested matters based on evidence and legal arguments presented by both sides. This type of divorce often requires more court appearances, mediation sessions, and sometimes even expert testimony.

Even if you don’t agree on every single issue, you may still be able to pursue an uncontested divorce by considering the mediation process. Our free mediation e-book outlines the Massachusetts divorce mediation process and can give you a better idea of whether the mediation process may be helpful for you and your soon-to-be-ex.

How Will The Divorce Affect My Children?

There can be custody issues if there are children involved when one parent struggles with alcoholism. When a parent struggles with substance abuse, it can severely affect their ability to provide a safe and stable environment for their child, impacting custody decisions. Courts prioritize the child’s best interests, with the potential to view substance abuse as a risk to the child’s well-being. Depending on the severity of the problem, this can result in limited or supervised visitation or even loss of custodial rights. Courts may order drug and alcohol testing and impose restrictions based on the results to ensure the child’s safety. Evidence of recovery efforts, such as ongoing treatment or support group attendance may also influence the court’s decision. You will likely want to consult with an attorney before making any decisions about divorce so that you know what changes to prepare for and can work to make the transition from married to single as smooth as possible.

Why Support Matters In These Cases

A relationship with any form of addict, including a high-functioning alcoholic, can be extremely emotionally taxing. The divorce process may also come with related challenges, like whether you should reach out to ensure that your soon-to-be-ex is doing alright. Having a plan that addresses your legal concerns is essential but a plan for your personal interactions can be equally as vital to support the emotional challenges that you may face.

A client support coach can also greatly help you during this time. A coach is a professional who helps individuals navigate the emotional, practical, and logistical challenges of divorce. They provide guidance, support, and strategies to manage the stress and complexities of the process. Unlike lawyers, who focus on legal aspects, divorce support coaches offer emotional support and practical advice on co-parenting, financial planning, and communication with ex-spouses. They aim to empower clients to make informed decisions and move forward confidently. By addressing both the practical and emotional sides of divorce, a divorce coach can help ensure a smoother transition to the next chapter of life.

We recognize the importance of having support on all sides- not just legal. That’s why we have a full-time client support coach on our team to offer complimentary support throughout your legal case.* help you prepare for and navigate the emotional turbulence of divorcing somebody battling substance addiction and guide you in carefully documenting incidents or issues as they arise. Documentation strategies like these can help you be better prepared for court and pair wonderfully with a lawyer who will advocate for you in the courtroom.

*offer available to qualifying cases only. Additional terms and conditions may apply. Please contact our firm to learn more about our support services.

Saying Goodbye to Your Alcoholic Spouse

It’s important to prioritize your well-being, safety, and the welfare of any children involved. Seek support from professionals, friends, and family as you navigate this challenging decision, and remember that you deserve a life filled with happiness, peace, and stability.

Divorcing a high-functioning alcoholic might have some unique details, but it generally follows the same steps as any other divorce. Things can get tricky if you have shared assets or children, so it’s smart to consult a divorce lawyer who knows the ropes. Once you file for divorce, your lawyer will guide you through the next steps, including custody arrangements and dividing assets. For emotional support, a client support coach can help, while an experienced family law attorney will handle the legal side.

Consult an Experienced Divorce Lawyer

Deciding to divorce an alcoholic spouse is profoundly personal and complex. You will need to reflect on your own well-being and safety first. You should consider whether your spouse is committed to seeking help and whether there’s genuine potential for recovery. And you must evaluate how the relationship impacts your mental and emotional health. While it is crucial to seek support from a counselor or therapist to guide you through this challenging decision, you should also seek help from an experienced divorce lawyer and other relevant professionals.

Dealing with a high-functioning or non-functioning alcoholic spouse can be tough, and getting a divorce often needs to be handled carefully. With patience, effort, and the right support, you can navigate the divorce with minimal emotional or financial impact. By understanding the risks, seeking advice from experienced family law professionals, and leaning on friends and family for support, you can make the process as smooth and least painful for everyone involved.

Contact our firm to learn more about how we can support you through your Massachusetts divorce.

Should I Finally Divorce My Alcoholic Spouse?