Understanding Narcissistic Abuse in Custody Battles
You finally found the courage to leave. You expected the fight. But nothing could’ve prepared you for the mind games, manipulation, and emotional warfare that followed, especially when your children were used as pawns in the process.
If you’re navigating a custody battle with a narcissistic ex, you already know – it’s not just about parenting time—it’s about power.
At O’Connor Family Law, we’ve worked with countless clients facing this exact nightmare. That’s why we’ve built a team trained in trauma-focused litigation, ready to protect your rights, your children, and your peace of mind.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious. It’s not always physical. It’s systematic emotional manipulation, used to control and undermine another person’s sense of reality and self-worth. Narcissists thrive on:
- Control and domination
- Creating chaos to stay in power
- Shifting blame
- Isolating and discrediting others
- Weaponizing love, guilt, and even your children
In custody cases, this can show up as co-parenting sabotage, false allegations, gaslighting, smear campaigns, and nonstop court filings designed to exhaust you, emotionally and financially.
Real Life Example (Name Changed to Protect Privacy):
“I didn’t leave the marriage; I escaped it.”
Emily, a client from the South Shore area of Massachusetts, thought she was finally free when she filed for divorce. Her ex, Tom, had never lifted a finger in anger, but his words cut deeper than any bruise ever could.
“He told me no one would ever believe me; that I was unstable. That I’d lose our daughter.”
What followed was almost two years of court hearings. Tom painted Emily as erratic and vindictive. He filed motion after motion, twisting facts and pushing Emily to the edge. “Every time I felt stable, he’d pull the rug out again.”
With the support of our legal team, a trauma-informed therapist, and well-documented evidence, Emily was able to regain custody and start healing. “But it felt like I was fighting for my life the whole time,” she says.
How Narcissistic Abuse Shows Up in Custody Battles
- The “Perfect Parent” Illusion
To the outside world, narcissistic parents can appear charming, generous, and engaged. But behind closed doors, they may neglect emotional needs, weaponize affection, and view children as extensions of themselves. - Gaslighting & Psychological Warfare
They rewrite history. They deny things they said. They turn your own words against you. Over time, you begin to question your memory, your motives, even your parenting ability. - Using the Children as Leverage
They’ll make false claims of alienation. They’ll tell the kids you’re trying to take them away. They may spoil the children or use them to spy. This is not co-parenting—it’s manipulation. - Legal Harassment (Also Called “Paper Abuse”)
Endless court filings. Baseless emergency motions. False allegations of neglect. The goal isn’t justice—it’s control and punishment. This is legal abuse, and it’s more common than people think.
The Impact on Children
Children caught in the crossfire of narcissistic abuse suffer too.
They may feel torn between parents, pressured to “choose sides,” or responsible for one parent’s emotional needs. Over time, this emotional strain can lead to:
- Anxiety and depression
- Poor self-esteem
- Difficulty trusting others
- Parentification (feeling like they must care for the narcissistic parent)
Our firm takes the well-being of children seriously in every case. We advocate for parenting plans that protect children from harm, even the harm you can’t see.
How to Protect Yourself (and Your Kids)
If you’re involved in a custody battle with a narcissist, here’s what you can do:
Document Everything
Keep records of communication, incidents, threats, and behavioral patterns. Use platforms like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents to create an uneditable communication log.
Don’t Respond Emotionally
Narcissists crave emotional reactions. Keep your tone calm, brief, and fact-based. Save the emotion for your therapist, not your texts.
Set Firm Boundaries
Don’t get pulled into arguments. Establish strict boundaries around communication and child exchanges. If possible, have a third party present.
Work with a Trauma-Informed Legal Team
You need more than a good lawyer—you need a team that understands narcissistic abuse and how it plays out in the legal system. We know the patterns, and we’re ready to outmaneuver them.
Get Emotional Support
You are not weak for needing help. Therapists, coaches, and support groups are essential tools in healing and staying grounded during a high-conflict custody battle.
Real Life Example (Name Changed to Protect Privacy):
“She said the judge would laugh at me.”
Jason’s ex-wife controlled everything in their relationship – from his bank accounts to who he could speak to. When he finally left, she accused him of abandonment, blocked him from seeing his son, and called the police over false claims.
She’d say, “No one will believe a man can be abused.’” But Jason kept records – emails, screenshots, voicemails. With our support, he was able to fight back and win shared custody. “It took everything I had not to give up,” he says, “but now my son knows I never stopped fighting for him.”
You Are Not Alone
If any part of this post felt painfully familiar, know this: you are not crazy, you are not overreacting, and you are not alone.
At O’Connor Family Law, we believe that survivors of emotional and psychological abuse deserve legal advocates who not only fight fiercely in court, but understand what’s happening behind the scenes.
Our trauma-informed, strategic approach to custody litigation in Massachusetts means we recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and take immediate action to protect you and your children. Contact us now to learn more.